Space Jam (NC script)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. You know, I love the Looney Tunes. Who doesn't? They're funny, they're clever, they're unique, they're absolutely wonderful. And you wanna know what else? I love basketball. Again, who doesn't? It's fun, it's intense, it gives you a rush of energy, it's also absolutely wonderful. However you want to be sure to keep these two elements as FAAAAAR away from each other as possible. Because if you don't, YOU GET FUCKING SPACE JAM! Footage of Space Jam NC (voiceover): THE WORST PIECE OF COMMERCIALIZED, HALF-BAKED HORSESHIT THAT EVER HIT THE- NC: Okay...alright, I apologize. I just hate it when Hollywood takes not one, but TWO of the things that I hold so dear to me and poisons it with undiluted urine-soaked backwash that I hate so much. So with that said, let's take a look at how these two wonderful pastimes got transformed into the cinematic gangrape that lies before us. Footage NC (voiceover): First of all you might be wondering "How the hell did this idea even come about?" Footage of early nineties Nike Air Jordan/Looney Tunes commercials NC (voiceover): Well, in the early nineties, Nike had a brilliant marketing plan for selling their hottest new item, Air Jordans. Obviously they had Jordan on board, but they needed something else that would be sure to grab all the little kids' attention. So Nike made a deal with Warner Bros. to throw in characters like Bugs Bunny and Marvin the Martian into their commercials Michael Jordan: Who did you expect? Elmer Fudd? NC (voiceover): The ads were a huge hit, and soon Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny became America's top marketing whores, sucking dick for Nike, McDonalds, toy moguls and too many t-shirt companies to count. Bugs Bunny: Gruesome, ain't it? NC (voiceover): After this big success, the marketing heads at Warner Bros. got an idea: NC: "What if we turn the commercial into a movie, and thereby turning the movie into a commercial, and thereby making commercials for commercials!" (gasp) It's like every advertiser's wet dream, a perpetual money making motion machine that has the ability to turn shit into gold! Daffy Duck: Well that's how it goes. Footage of the movie again NC (voiceover): And thus, Space Jam was born. The first film that was quite literally a commercial for a commercial for a commercial. NC: But don't worry. They hide that fact very cleverly. Wayne Knight: Get your Hanes on, lace up your Nikes, grab your Wheaties and your Gatorade, and we'll pick up a Big Mac on the way to the ballpark. NC: Subtle. NC (voiceover): But still, a movie with two of America's most treasured icons was a pretty big deal. And we knew that the heads of Hollywood wouldn't just throw any crap together for their money-making prize possessions. Michael Jordan: Obviously. NC: So tell us then, what's the story? Bugs Bunny: So you see, these aliens come from outer space and they wanna make us slaves in their theme park NC's face turns from excited to confused to horrified Bugs Bunny: so we show up and they ain't so little; THEY'RE HUGE! We need to beat these guys. Cause they're talkin' about slavery. They're gonna make us do stand-up comedy: the same jokes, every night for all eternity. NC pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels and starts drinking Bugs Bunny: We're gonna be locked up like wild animals and then trotted out to perform for a bunch of low-brow, bug-eyed, fatheaded, humor challenged aliens! NC: Is it too late to get my money back? NC (voiceover): Okay, so the story Bugs was TRYING to get across starts with Michael Jordan after he dropped out of the NBA. NC: The FIRST time he dropped out. NC (voiceover): We see him during those embarrassing years when he actually took up baseball instead of basketball. NC: And that's not bad writing! That actually happened... NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we travel to...um...outer space, where the evil ruler of a...um...theme park on the moon is looking for new attractions. So he sends his aliens to kidnap the Looney Tunes, who live in...um...the middle of the Earth, where the Looney Tunes retaliate by...um...challenging them to a basketball game. NC: Pfft, how many times have we heard that story? Daffy Duck: We gotta get new agents, we're gettin' screwed. NC (voiceover): But before we even get to that, we have to watch dozens of scenes where Michael Jordan is interacting with his family. Michael Jordan: What's wrong with Jeff? Wife: Well he went 2 for 5 and lost 32 points in his batting average. Michael Jordan: Yeah? Wife: So yeah, that puts him at like a .685 or something. NC: Oh come on, can't you get to the Looney Tunes already? Daffy Duck: (decked out like a gangsta) What do ya think? I'm kinda partial to purple and gold myself. It goes better with my coloring. NC: On second thought, go back to the boring family. Michael Jordan: Whatcha cookin'? Wife: Chicken. Michael Jordan: Chicken and what? Wife: Chicken and cauli-greens. Michael Jordan: Good. NC: On second thought, go back to the Looney Tunes. Green alien: One giant leap for moron mountain! Jams a flag pole into another alien's foot, and it screams NC: ...is the 700 club on? Bugs Bunny: I thought you'd never ask. NC (voiceover): Judging from those clips, you may have noticed the first problem with this movie: the Looney Tunes aren't funny. They're rude, loud, and obnoxiously annoying, but they're certainly not funny. In fact the writing for this movie is so horrible, you almost wish the original Looney Tunes from the 50s could sit there and watch it. Granny: I'm a cheerleader. Old-school Bugs rolls his eyes Daffy Duck: But mommy, I don't want to go to school today! Old-school Wile E. Coyote just looks at the scene, bored Blue Monstar: Boo. Porky Pig: AAAAAAH! His eyes travel downward Porky Pig: I wet myself. Old-school Daffy: Haha, very funny, hahaha. Steely gaze NC (voiceover): The second problem you may have noticed with this movie is that Michael Jordan is not funny. He's dull, boring, and an incredibly bad actor, but he's certainly not funny. In fact, I don't think he even knows he's IN a movie. I think they just followed him around with cameras and then painted some cartoon characters in the background. Sylvester: Thufferin' thuckatash! NC (voiceover): So getting back to the story, the aliens decide to go back to our world and try to get some extra strength. While there, they sit next to the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond and the guy who did the voice for Homer Simpson. NC: How...random. NC (voiceover): So the aliens steal all the talent from some of basketball's greatest players. One of the affected players: We're fine. It's some some psychosomatic deal, or something with to do with the moon and the alignment of the planets. NC: Wow, looks like they took their acting talent too. Purple alien: It stinks. NC (voiceover): So the aliens become giant monsters who the Looney Tunes can't possibly defeat. So they get the help of Michael Jordan and his wormy little assistant played by Wayne Knight. Who, I was surprised to find out, is NOT a cartoon character. Orange alien: Oh yeah? Who says? NC (voiceover): So the game is on and all the Looney Tunes join forces to stop the evil aliens in a universal Space Jam. Which still sounds strange to me, I don't know, when I think of Space Jam, I think of that stuff they used in Space Balls to block out the radar. Dark Helmet: Raspberry NC: So all your favorites are there for the lineup, including Bugs, Daffy, Taz, Elmer, Lola, Tweety, Marvin the-WAIT A MINUTE! Who the fuck is Lola? Oh wait wait, I remember, from the classic Lola cartoons! You know, with the...and the...WHO THE FUCK'S LOLA?! NC (voiceover): Lola, turns out, is a girl bunny they created to bring in more of the female demographic. Unfortunately they didn't really make her fun, silly, goofy or zany...in fact, they didn't give her any personality at all. They just tried to pose her off as some sort of strange sex-symbol. NC: Which is kinda weird, because she is in fact, a rabbit. It's not a person, she's a rabbit. If it was a person, maybe it would make a little more sense to make her a sex symbol, but she is in fact, a rabbit. ...WHY WOULD ANYONE WANNA FUCK A RABBIT, WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE? Rabbits aren't sexy, rabbits are...FOOD! NC (voiceover): I mean look at her, they dress her in skimpy clothes, they make her wear short shorts... NC: Oh! And here's the biggest insult of all: They actually gave her bunny boobies. BUNNY BOOBIES! I mean, what kind of sick, twisted pervert actually gives a character bunny boobies? I mean, if that hassenpfeffer hussy actually has female genitalia, what does that mean the other Looney Tunes characters have? Sylvester: We've got balls! NC: GAH! STOP! Okay, alright, let me make one thing perfectly clear to all you Warner Bros. representatives out there: We don't wanna fuck bunnies! ...I can't believe I have to say this, we don't wanna fuck bunnies! I mean we're people! Therefore we like to fuck other people! I'm sure there's some SMALL percentage of people out there that like to fuck bunnies, but that hardly seems like a very profitable demographic. I mean, I put it to you: Have you ever seen a bunny that you ACTUALLY had the hots for? Picture of Playboy Bunnies NC: THAT DOESN'T COUNT! Elmer Fudd: Hahahahahahahaha. NC (voiceover): Okay, so aside from promoting bestiality to kids, the film also has the worst camera shots in the entire world. That is to say, they're ALL extreme closeups! Seriously, I feel like all the characters in this movie are about to French me. These shots are so close, I keep thinking the camera's gonna hit them in the face, like in the opening of Aladdin. Show appropriate scene''NC (voiceover): So all the Looney Tunes characters, Bugs, Daffy, Taz, hoe and so forth, pretty much get their animated asses handed to them. And trust me when I say no one is spared. ''Granny gets tackled by the Monstars NC: Dude, did they just beat the shit out of Granny? Show it again NC: They did! They actually just tackled, punched and kicked an innocent, old lady who never harmed anyone in her life! ...Can I see it again? Sure NC: One more time Oy. NC: Oh my God, I could watch that forever. Multiple times Granny: Oh my... NC (voiceover): But unfortunately the movie continues, and it turns out that Michael Jordan and his Looney Tunes are actually short one player. Who could they possibly get? Bill Murray: Dun da da da da da da da daaaa! NC: Ah, no, BILL! What are you doin'? You still got a career to lose! Bill Murray: Perhaps I could be of some assistance. NC: Go! Get out! There's still time! Look, you made it through Larger Than Life, and you made it through The Man Who Knew Too Little, but I just don't think you can survive this! Bill Murray: This is why I was born. NC: Okay, I'm gonna give you the name of a director here, a Sophia Coppola, she's kind of a newcomer, but she has a lot of promise. Just...just think about it. Daffy Duck: Very funny. NC (voiceover): Of course it comes down to a tied game, and it's up to Michael Jordan to score the final point. But, in a stunning turn of events... NC: They actually don't win. They lose the game, defying all cinematic conventions. Michael Jordan finds out that he is an imperfect human being, a fallen hero. He discovers the burden of responsibility that having such great power requires. But...he also finds that strength comes from the mind and soul, and not just from athletic accomplishments. And though, not the happiest ending, the film teaches children that even in their darkest moments you can always find unity...in yourself. And that my friend, is the essence of all manki-NAH just kidding, he makes the basket and wins. Aliens: Aw. NC (voiceover): So the Looney Tunes get Michael back home, give the players back their talent and return to being their phenomonally unfunny selves. But Jordan still has one more thing to settle. Charles Barkley: You know he doesn't play BASKETBALL anymore. Other player: You know, he probably doesn't even have it anymore, guys. Michael Jordan: There's only one way to find out. Sports Announcer: Welcome back, Michaellll Jordaaaaaan! NC: Oh I see, it's because of the Looney Tunes that Michael Jordan came back to basketball. Ahahahahahahahahahaha! Ahahaha, aha, ahahaha, ha, ha-GOD THIS MOVIE SUCKS! NC (voiceover): I mean what were they thinking? In what insane asylum could this movie possibly be considered good? And you wanna know what the amazing thing is? This movie actually had FOUR writers. FOUR WRITERS! And not one of them knew they were writing intergalactic pigshit. I mean can you imagine what the writing section with these four morons was like? A scene from the movie where the talent-stolen players visit a mystic Mystic: I see aliens...I also see Michael Jordan being sucked down a golf hole...and playing a basketball game against...Bugs Bunny... NC: Actually that explains a lot. Patrick Ewing: That's it, we're outta here. NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. GOD what a bad movie.